Friday, December 23, 2011

2012 NBA Eastern Conference Preview: Fanalyst Rankings

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. The Miami Heat Index and Mrs. NBA played good fan/bad fan to predict the top eight teams in the Eastern Conference for the 2012 season.

As a Miami Heat blogger living on the east coast, the good fan for the Eastern Conference was the Miami Heat Index. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi, the bad fan for these rankings was Mrs. NBA (she's an acquired taste).

1. Miami Heat
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): If the defending Eastern Conference champions replace 52% of the minutes played at center and 40% of the minutes played at point guard last season with younger, faster options to give opponents 94 feet of hell, then the HEAT will run away with the regular season as long as they remain one of the best rebounding and defensive teams in the NBA and stay healthy.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): Big FUCKING shocker here. While they are the team to beat, I'm going to go all Skip Bayless for a second, will LBJ finally step up or will he pull another Houdini?????

2. Chicago Bulls
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): The Bulls will have the best defense and the best bench in the NBA, but replacing Keith Bogans with Richard Hamilton could cost them four wins and allow teams to crowd Derrick Rose without any fear of a three-point threat.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): Obviously, Bulls are the next in the hunt for the title, but even with Derrick Rose's premier cock, things may not play out for them.

3. Boston Celtics
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): Replacing Glen Davis, Nenad Krstic, Delonte West and Jeff Green with Chris Wilcox, Brandon Bass and Keyon Dooling should improve the Celtics enough to offset the two additional sets of back-to-back games they’ll play in the shortened season as well as any injuries to Kevin Garnett and Jermaine O’Neal and finish at least 2-4 games ahead of the Knicks.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): Are you a FUCKTARD!!!! How are the Celtics better than the Knicks??? Do their wheelchairs provide some stability????? Do those prunes they ingest make them powerful?? Are you on drugs again??

4. New York Knicks
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): Tyson Chandler will make the Knicks a 40-win team this season (while Baron Davis fans take golden showers), and the point guard rotation of Toney Douglas and Iman Shumpert will be adequate but leave a top-10 bench from last season decimated and D’Antoni searching for answers during those 21 back-to-backs this season.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): While I believe NY IS BETTER than the Senior Celtic squad, they have no chance in hell of making it to the Finals. LeBron has a better shot of sucking Skip's dick than the Knicks do at a championship this year. No matter what those fucktarded NY, crack-guzzling fans say.

5. Atlanta Hawks
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): If the Hawks are healthy this season, then improvement from Jeff Teague and the addition of Tracy McGrady can push them to 40 wins, and if the Knicks aren’t healthy (e.g. Amare Stoudemire or Tyson Chandler) then the Hawks can get home-court advantage in the first round of the playoffs.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): Who??

6. Orlando Magic
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): The Dwight Howard era in Orlando will be dead as fucking fried chicken shortly after the all-star break and the Magic will play sub-.500 ball over the last 31 games of the season as they go from a team that was competing with the Knicks for home-court advantage in the first round to a team getting swept by the Celtics in the first round.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): Dwight will soon be gone to somewhere, then the Magic will be a mediocre team, at best. Who the fuck cares though?? D-12 leaves and so does most of the fans. This, I guaran-fucking-tee. Why aren't they fucking last????? Do you have a man crush on Big Baby??

7. Philadelphia 76ers
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): Jrue Holiday and Evan Turner will improve just enough to make the second half of the season interesting as the 76ers chase the base-jumping Magic for the 6th seed, but they’ll fall a game or two short unless the franchise does something more drastic than changing its mascot because there just isn’t enough star-power to be considered a threat to one of the contenders in the East.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): Does anyone even care??

8. Milwaukee Bucks
The Good Fanalyst (MHI): The battle for the eighth spot in the East ended up a war of attrition in recent seasons and 2012 will be no different as the Pacers lost players worth five more wins than the ones they signed while Brook Lopez’s stress fracture shot the Nets in the foot (pun intended) and will leave the Bucks as the last team standing on the wrong side of the lottery.

The Bad Fan (Mrs. NBA): You left out the BLOODY Pacers, but put in the Bucks??? Lay down the crack in the can and think clearly!! The Bucks are NOT, I repeat NOT, GREATER than the Pacers. Who is your drug dealer?? This must be some good shit you are smoking.

Who you with? The Good FanalystMHI rankings. Leave a comment at Mrs. NBA's blog if you agree with her slander.

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