Sunday, February 19, 2012

Week 9 Eastern Conference Fanalyst Rankings: NBA All-Star Saturday Night Edition


Week 9 of the NBA season ends with All-Star Weekend, where the best plays take place above the rim and beyond the arc. This week’s Fanalyst Rankings highlights the best dunkers and bombers on the best teams in the Eastern Conference.

The worksheet below ranks all teams in the NBA by dunks and threes this season.


There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI played the Eastern Conference fanalyst for games thru Friday. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, Mrs. NBA played the fan and provided the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Rankings. All analysis based on games played through Friday, February 17th.

1. Miami HEAT (24-7, Last Week #1)
MHI: The HEAT have the best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the NBA after stomping a mudhole in the Hawks, Bucks, Pacers and Cavs on the road this week. Next week, they go back home to beat the Kings and Knicks before All-Star Weekend. Reigning three-point champion James Jones is stuck behind Shaved Monkey Nuts in Coach Erik Spoelstra’s rotation, so Mario Chalmers leads the team in three-pointers made and will challenge him in the three-point shootout on Saturday while LeBron James (7th in dunks) and Dwyane Wade will take the HEAT’s 7th-ranked aerial attack to Sunday’s All-Star Game.

Mrs. NBA: Who cares about the Heat?!?! Yeah, they are the #1 team in the league, but do they have Uncle Rico and his “Spray Paint” hair?!?! No!! That’s what I thought!! The Heat are WORTHLESS!!!! What about Lin-Derella?? No?? YEAH, pathetic… get an Asian and then Heat fans can talk.


2. Chicago Bulls (25-7, Last Week #2)
MHI: Derrick Rose’s back spasms cost the Bulls a game in Boston this week and dropped them to the second-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the league. The Bulls should run over the Hawks and Bucks on their way to All-Star Weekend. The Bulls rank 10th in dunks but Joakim Noah (23rd in dunks) won’t be joining Rose at Sunday’s game. Kyle Korver ranks 10th in three-pointers made but he won’t be competing All-Star Weekend, either.

Mrs. NBA: The Bulls should clearly be #1. HUH??? Not for talent. Not for Ashton Kutcher. Not for the delicious Derek Rose. But because they have UNCLE FREAKIN RICO!!!!!!!! Dude needs to sell that “Hair Paint” and become useful!!

MHI: If the East wasn't so bad, Boozer's hair would've dropped the Bulls a spot because it was that bad. No wonder his son is a HEAT fan. I'd be ashamed to root for my dad if he did some shit like this.


3. Atlanta Hawks (19-11, Last Week #3)
MHI: The Hawks still have the fourth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential despite the fact they’ve played two-thirds of the season without their All-Star center, Al Horford. All-Star Joe Johnson travels a tough road to All-Star Weekend through Chicago, New York and then the second night of a back-to-back in Atlanta against the Magic. They should go 1-2, but 0-3 is a definite possibility. The Hawks win more games beyond the arc with three-point shootout contestant Joe Johnson (he leads the 8th-ranked Hawks in threes) than above the rim with Josh Smith (Hawks rank 16th in dunks). There’s your All-Star snub in 30 words or less.

Mrs. NBA: Who cares about Atlanta!!!!!!!!!!! Josh Smith, PFFTT! Joe Johnson?? PFFTT!!!! Ya ain’t shit until you have LIN-SANITY!!!!!!!!!


4. Philadelphia 76ers (20-11, Last Week #4)
MHI: The Hawks dropped from fourth in schedule-adjusted efficiency differential last week to eighth this week as their schedule got tougher. The Sixers will probably go 0-2 playing a tough back-to-back against the Grizzlies and Rockets before Andre Iguodala (the team leader with 30 dunks) heads to All-Star Weekend. The Sixers only rank 19th in threes so it’s no surprise Jodie Meeks didn’t get an invitation to the three-point shootout.

Mrs. NBA: Philly??? Do they have Uncle Rico????? Do they have Lin-Derella???? Do they have the man with Trina’s lips on the side of his neck??? NO?!?!? THEY AIN'T SHIT!!!!! Ya team ain’t a team unless your player has the #1 fathead!!!! Give me some of that LIN and Juice…


5. Indiana Pacers (18-12, Last Week #5)
MHI: What sucks about the Eastern Conference is that the Pacers can have the 24th worst schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the NBA over the last 5 games and still have the fifth-best rating in the East for the season. The Pacers get to send Roy Hibbert and Paul George to All-Star Weekend with a winning streak next week after games against the Hornets and Bobcats in a back-to-back. George will represent a team ranked 28th in dunks in the Slam Dunk contest.

Mrs. NBA: What… I fell asleep thinking about the Pacers.


6. New York Knicks (15-16, Last Week #7)
MHI: The Knicks have the fifth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the East over the last five games, but they’re still ranked behind the Pacers because they’ll probably go 1-2 next week with a cake game against the Nets before a back-to-back vs. the Hawks and HEAT. Jeremy Lin will be throwing lobs to Iman Shumpert in the dunk contest but the Knicks rank fourth in dunks this season because of the alley oops thrown to Tyson Chandler, who leads the team with 63 slams.

Mrs. NBA: THESE MU’FUGGA TEAM SHOULD BE FIRST!!! GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAISE ALL THAT IS LIN!!!!! Sacrifice your goats!!!! Your unused sperm!! Your V-Card!!! And give It to LINNNNNN!!!!!!! You only mention Lin once?!?!?!? Are you racist?!?!?! Are you the editor that pinned the “Chink in Armor” on ESPN?!?! Why do you hate the Lin-Dynasty?!?!?!

7. Boston Celtics (15-14, Last Week #6)
MHI: The Celtics are terrible. They rank 26th in schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last five games with double-digit losses to the Raptors and Pistons last week, but the East is so bad they still have the seventh-best rating for the season. The Celtics will probably send Paul Pierce to All-Star Weekend on a four-game losing streak since they play the Mavericks in Dallas on the second night of a back-to-back before traveling to Oklahoma City. Ironically, as old as the Celtics are, they still have more dunks this season than the younger 76ers.

Mrs. NBA: Who cares?!?! They don’t have LIN (Fuck your Asian on your team, Lin’s the NBA Dream) and no Uncle Rico!!! YAWN FEST!


8. Orlando Magic (20-11, Last Week Unranked)
MHI: The East is so bad that if the Magic play without Dwight Howard after All-Star Weekend they might make the playoffs even if Otis Smith only gets a list of Basketball Reasons from David Stern in return. If the Magic trade Howard, they lose the second-most prolific dunker in the NBA and it will be interesting to see if they can remain the most prolific three-point shooting ream. League leader Ryan Anderson better enjoy the open shots he gets in the three-point shootout because they may not be there after All-Star Weekend.

Mrs. NBA: Magic, Smagic!! This team has a whiny, diva-ass player who obviously needs some snow bunny punani to calm his ass down; NO Lin-Derella; and most of all, no player that uses “Hair Paint”… Yeah, they have Big Baby, but c’mon soiled baby diapers is better than his ass.

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