Sunday, March 11, 2012

Week 12 Eastern Conference Fanalyst Rankings: Trade Deadline Edition

The Fanalyst Rankings of the top 8 teams in the Eastern Conference return a week before the trade deadline.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI played the Eastern Conference fanalyst for games thru Friday. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress played the fan and provided the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Rankings.

1. Miami HEAT (30-9, Last Week #1)

MHI: The HEAT have the best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the NBA according to, but will have a tough time against the Bulls in Chicago on the second night of a back-to-back next week. They should sweep their other three games against the Magic and 76ers. Outside of beating the Bulls, the best thing that could happen to the HEAT next week is a Shaved Monkey Nuts trade before the deadline.

NBA Mistress: OH, Look, Miami FINALLY won after they lost to the FUCKING Utah Jazz!!! And the Lakers… The same Lakers that BARELY beat the Minnesota Timberwolves. Is Miami going to have another choke job in the NBA Finals?!?! Do they need a masked LeBron???? Will Norris Cole quit taking SUSPECT pictures??

2. Chicago Bulls (33-9, Last Week #2)

MHI: Bulls have the second-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the NBA and should sweep all four home games next week against the Knicks, HEAT, Blazers and 76ers if they stay healthy. If they lose to the HEAT, they can kiss 1st place in the conference goodbye for the rest of the season.

NBA Mistress: Bulls will beat the Heat, Uncle Rico will wear his “Hair Paint” and this will BLIND the competition.

MHI: LMAO at Carlos Boozer’s “Hair Paint” defense.

3. Atlanta Hawks (23-17, Last Week #3)

MHI: Eight weeks after losing Al Horford, the Hawks still have the fifth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the NBA. They play three of four on the road next week and will be happy if they can go 2-2 against the Nuggets, Clippers, Wizards and Cavs. They’ll be tough in the playoffs if they don’t make any dumb moves before the trade deadline and get Horford back in the lineup for the post-season.

NBA Mistress: Josh Smith wants out again, but what else is new. The Hawks are the Hawks. 5 days left until the trade deadline. I’m sure they will make a moronic move.

4. Philadelphia 76ers (24-17, Last Week #4)

MHI: The Sixers have the fourth-best efficiency differential against an easy schedule, but the schedule gets tougher as they prepare to face the Pacers, HEAT and Bulls (on the second night of a back-to-back) next week. Despite the trade rumors, Andre Iguodala and Evan Turner put up some stellar defensive stats on the perimeter, and they need them to go 1-2 next week.

NBA Mistress: Sixers are the Sixers. Best case scenario is the aforementioned 1-2 record, but at the end of the day who the fuck cares???

5. Indiana Pacers (23-14, Last Week #5)

MHI: Pacers have the fifth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the East. Two sets of back-to-backs against the Blazers, Sixers and Knicks will make next week as ugly for the Pacers as their loss at home to the Hawks without Al Horford and Joe Johnson. Expect shooting percentages in the 30s next week unless Larry Bird makes a trade for a shooter before the deadline.

NBA Mistress: AH! The Indiana Pacers. The underdog team that has so much promise, even with their insanely ugly uniforms, but just can’t capitalize.

6. Boston Celtics (21-18, Last Week #7)

MHI: Celtics went 4-1 in their last five games but still only have the eighth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the East and end next week’s west coast trip on the second night of a back-to-back in Denver. It will be ugly unless Danny Ainge makes a trade to get the team a star that isn’t past their prime.

NBA Mistress: The Celtics ain’t shit. Yeah, they blew out the Blazers Friday night, but let’s be real: Raymond Felton is LITERALLY eating the Blazers out of playoff contention. I will make sure to coddle Rajon Rondo after Denver serves them up next week.

7. New York Knicks (18-22, Last Week #6)

MHI: Knicks have the seventh-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the East, but Linsanity will remain under 0.500 next week against the Bulls, Blazers and Pacers unless Mike D’Antoni realizes there’s a reason the Knicks bench keeps getting the team back in games the starters are losing - the bench has more productive players. Jeremy Lin may have saved his job just for him to throw it away all over again.

NBA Mistress: Didn’t I fucking tell these MORONIC NYK fans about Melo?!?! Didn’t I tell them he is a one-dimensional player that ball stops??? Now, this twodel Asia Monroe has them meeting and J.R. Smith is tweeting Joe Budden’s ex’s ass. This team is a walking disaster. Poor Jeremy Lin.

8. Orlando Magic (26-15, Last Week #8)

MHI: Dwight HowardDwight Howard’s won enough games for the Magic to get them into the playoffs. They’ll be swept, but at least they’ll get two playoff games in the new arena.

NBA Mistress: Poor Magic fans!! They have their hopes up after Magic beat the Bulls, but D-12 is OUTTA THERE!! I hope they enjoy the lottery next year.

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