Sunday, April 15, 2012

Week 17 Eastern Conference Fanalyst Rankings: Most Valuable Players

This week’s Fanalyst Rankings takes a look at the most valuable players on the best teams in the Eastern Conference.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI played the Eastern Conference fanalyst for games thru Friday. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress played the fan and provided the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Rankings.

1. Miami HEAT (41-17, Last Week #1)

MHI: LeBron James MVP train derailed in Chicago when he let C.J. Watson run to an open spot and hit the shot that forced the game into overtime, when the HEAT’s leading scorer didn’t make a shot. The HEAT still have the best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential and hold the #1 spot until next week’s rematch with the Bulls on Biscayne Boulevard.

NBA Mistress: ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH?!?! Bron failed the Heat and allowed a DEFUNCT Rose-led Bulls to win a game and they are first?!?!?! What the fuck are you smoking up in New York??? Some Hash?? Kush? Purple Haze??

2. Chicago Bulls (45-14, Last Week #2)

MHI: Tom Thibodeau only played Derrick Rose for 2:40 in the fourth quarter and overtime after he shot 1-11 in the first three quarters and the Bulls offense was efficient enough to beat the HEAT in Chicago. There’s no way he does that in the playoffs and that’s why the Bulls won’t beat the HEAT in the Eastern Conference Finals. The Bulls lineup of role players in OT: C.J. Watson, Kyle Korver, Luol Deng, Taj Gibson and Omer Asik only produced -0.2 wins in the Eastern Conference Finals last year.

NBA Mistress: Bulls should be over the Heat this week, easily. Heat failed EPIC-LY once again.

3. Atlanta Hawks (35-24, Last Week #3)

MHI: Al Horford is the Hawks MVP and he’s been gone for most of the season. Josh Smith is their underrated all-star caliber player, but the Hawks have the third-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the East because Marvin Williams is shooting 40% from three and averaging nearly 10 rebounds per 48 minutes to lead the team in Wins Produced this season.

NBA Mistress: WHO??????

4. Indiana Pacers (37-22, Last Week #6)

MHI: Paul George is the most productive player on the Pacers but the most valuable asset to their team is the health of their roster vs. the opponent. If Roy Hibbert stays healthy enough to sustain an all-star level effort in the playoffs then they can beat a declining Magic team to advance to the second round.

NBA Mistress: Zzzzzzzz! Wake me up when Indiana can make it to the Eastern Conference Finals.

5. Boston Celtics (34-25, Last Week #4)

MHI: Rajon Rondo is the Celtics’ MVP but they keep trying to trade him because he’s an asshole. The Celtics’ loss to the Raptors on Friday night is the best example of why they’re not a serious threat in the playoffs and would lose a first round playoff series to a Hawks team with Al Horford.

NBA Mistress: How much of that Hater-ade you drank this week?? They lost to the Raptors. Fine. BUT THEY BLEW THE HEAT OUT!!!!!!!! FUCK SHAVED MONKEY NUTS! FUCK Mr. "I wear two headbands" FUCK, I want to get paid for the Olympics!

6. New York Knicks (31-28, Last Week #8)

MHI: Fuck Carmelo Anthony, Tyson Chandler is clearly the Knicks’ MVP. How did the Knicks blowout the Magic twice in one week? Chandler shutdown Dwight Howard twice. Melo’s scoring is nice but the Knicks have the fourth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential in the East because their defense is top 4. The offense only ranks 8th in the conference.

NBA Mistress: What Melo do to you, MHI?? Did he not share that cheesesteak with you??

7. Orlando Magic (34-25, Last Week #5)

MHI: Dwight Howard is the Magic’s MVP and he’s out for the rest of the season with a herniated disk. If he doesn’t come back for the playoffs, then the Magic won’t beat the Pacers in the first round.

NBA Mistress: ZZZZzzzzz. Dwight is out for the rest of the season. Zzzzzzz

8. Milwaukee Bucks (29-30, Last Week Unranked)

MHI: The Bucks will owe the Philadelphia 76ers some of their playoff money because without their collapse they wouldn’t make the playoffs. The 76ers play 3 games in 3 nights next week and then play at Milwaukee the following week. That game could decide the 8th spot in the East. If Ersan Ilyasova puts up the 22 points and 15 rebounds per 48 minutes in that game that he’s averaging this season then the Bucks will return to the playoffs after a one-year absence.

NBA Mistress: Who??

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