Saturday, April 21, 2012

Week 18 Eastern Conference Fanalyst Rankings: Fight or Flight


Playoff basketball is physical so the last Fanalyst Rankings of the regular season looks at the teams with the best fight-or-flight response heading into the post-season.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI played the Eastern Conference fanalyst for games thru Friday. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress played the fan and provided the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Rankings.

1. Miami HEAT (45-17, Last Week #1)

MHI: As they showed against the Bulls, the HEAT know when to initiate physical play. As they showed against the Thunder, they know when to respond to physical play and walk away from it to keep their best players on the floor in crunch time. As long as Gregg Popovich is more conservative with his maintenance program than Erik Spoelstra then the HEAT should have enough fight to win at least 3 of their last four games to get home-court advantage in the Finals.

NBA Mistress: Blah blah blah The Heat will win BLAH BLAH BLAH. BUT DO THEY HAVE SOMEONE WITH POINT GUARD WITH A RETARDED SOUNDING VOICE??????!!!!! 

2. Chicago Bulls (47-16, Last Week #2)

MHI: The Bulls like to push opponents in the back for the rebounding edge they use to beat teams, but they folded when the HEAT hit them in the face on Thursday and Derrick Rose has been crying about getting hit too much. If they’re healthy next season, then maybe the Bulls will fight back then.

NBA Mistress: LE SIGH! IF only Derrick Rose had a non-retarded voice and life would be good again. 

3. Boston Celtics (37-27, Last Week #5)

MHI: Kevin Garnett’s got a lot of “fake tough guy” in his game, but he and Rajon Rondo don’t back down from a fight. The Celtics won’t fight for the rest of the season since they clinched another Atlantic Division title, but they’ll be ready to take advantage of the Hawks’ and Bulls’ injuries in the playoffs.

NBA Mistress: FUCKING BAR FIGHT. It's a Fucking bar fight, MHI. Did you see it, MHI? IT WAS A FUCKING BAR FIGHT! 


4. Indiana Pacers (41-22, Last Week #4)

MHI: The Pacers talk about being physical but David West looked like the only one that really wanted to get into some gangsta shit with Larry Sanders after he put Danny Granger on his ass. That’s enough muscle to get by an Orlando Magic team without Dwight Howard but it won’t be enough for the HEAT or the Bulls in the second round of the playoffs.

NBA Mistress: With fake tough guys like Danny Granger, it will be fun to watch them lose in the first round.


5. Atlanta Hawks (38-25, Last Week #3)

MHI: When shit gets real in the playoffs, few players will keep it realer than Ivan Johnson. The Hawks, however, will need Al Horford’s muscle to get by the Celtics in the first round and his muscle isn’t ready yet. If it’s not ready by next weekend, then this could be the first time in three seasons the Hawks don’t advance in the playoffs.

NBA Mistress: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


6. New York Knicks (33-30, Last Week #6)

MHI: The Knicks will always be able to meet the physical challenge of the playoffs with Tyson Chandler and Carmelo Anthony banging in the paint, but they don’t have enough healthy talent to beat the HEAT or the Bulls in a playoff series.

NBA Mistress: BUT THEY HAVE AMAR'E BACK!! BUT THEY WILL BEAT THE HEAT IN ROUND ONE!!! BUT JESUS SHALL RE-VISIT THE EARTH!


7. Orlando Magic (36-26, Last Week #7)

MHI: If Brendan Haywood punched Dwight Howard twice in the back, as Stan Van Gundy claims, then why didn’t any of the Magic players retaliate? It’s simple: They’re a chickenshit organization on the court and in the front office. The front office was too scared to trade Dwight Howard or fire Stan Van Gundy, and it blew up in their face when the coach didn’t care enough about the player that tried to get him fired to ensure someone retaliated against Haywood. It’s all bitchassness.

NBA Mistress: Who the fuck cares??? The only reason we are talking about the Magic is because of Dwight's bitchass and how he is denying the obviousness of him wanting SVG fired. The front office is just as bad, if not worse. What's worse than this??? Being a Magic fan...


8. Philadelphia 76ers (32-30, Last Week Unranked)

MHI: Last week, the Sixers looked like their flight response was going to kick in, but the Bucks looked even more scared to make the playoffs and dropped a game to the Wizards. The Sixers were primed to finish 7th in the Fanalyst Rankings after Dwight Howard had season-ending back surgery, but they went to Orlando and lost by double-digits. Don’t expect any fight from the Sixers in the playoffs. They’ll be ringing the Liberty Bell with brooms in May.

NBA Mistress: You want to know how bad the Sixers are?? They are WORSE than the Denver Nuggets. BOOM.

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