Sunday, May 6, 2012

Week 2 NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings: Respond-React


With the first week of the playoffs in the books, the second week of the NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings analyzes the adjustments teams should make to survive or advance to the next round.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI plays the fanalyst for the Eastern Conference Playoffs. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress plays the fan and provides the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Playoffs.


1. Miami HEAT (3-0, Last week #1)
MHI: The HEAT will sweep the Knicks today without making any adjustments, but just exploiting their advantages at every position to shoot, take care of the ball and get to the line better than the Knicks. They’ll end the week with their fifth consecutive double-digit win of the playoffs in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals.

NBA Mistress: ZZZZZZZZ. Miami Heat. ZZZZZZZZZZ Holla at me when Bosh punches a fire extinguisher.


2. Boston Celtics (2-1, Last week #4)
MHI: The Celtics will be pushed to at least a Game 6 this week. They will avoid a Game 7 if Rajon Rondo continues to take care of the ball, Paul Pierce continues getting to the line and the defense continues to limit the Hawks to 41% shooting efficiency, the lowest percentage in the Eastern Conference playoffs.

NBA Mistress: PIERCE MUTHA FUGGIN TEBOWED!!! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME LBJ DID SOMETHING THAT STELLAR? TEBOWED, MUTHA FUGGER, TE-BOWED!


3. Atlanta Hawks (1-2, Last week #5)
MHI: A one-legged Josh Smith may not be enough for the Hawks to improve their terrible shooting and force the Celtics into enough turnovers for the series to need a Game 7 in Atlanta. I repeat last week’s statement: J-Smoove and Joe Johnson will have to play unselfish and smart on offense and tough on defense to come back from a 1-2 deficit against the Celtics.

NBA Mistress: Hawks. ZZZZZZZ. HAWKS. ZZZZZZZZZ. I would rather watch Rose hobble around on crutches.


4. Philadelphia 76ers (2-1, Last week #5)
MHI: If luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity, then the 76ers proved Doug Collins had them well-prepared to take advantage of the Bulls’ injuries. Jrue Holiday’s 58% shooting efficiency and impeccable ball-handling will help them continue exploiting those advantages to close out the Bulls in Game 6 at Philadelphia.

NBA Mistress: 76ers got fucking lucky. Point blank.


5. Indiana Pacers (3-1, Last week #3)
MHI: The Pacers will be the worst team to advance to the Eastern Conference Semifinals. They shoot poorly and haven’t been able to get to the line against a Magic team without any shot-blockers in the paint. The fact they’ve needed to play Danny Granger and David West 40 minutes per game to beat the worst team in the Eastern Conference Playoffs is another reminder they’re bad.

NBA Mistress: Can we just bring back Ron Artest and re-live the Malice at the Palace?? But in Indiana? With lots of white people?? I would watch that.


6. Chicago Bulls (1-2, Last week #2)
MHI: What’s the difference between being up 3-0 and down 1-2? The ACL in Derrick Rose’s left knee and Joakim Noah’s left ankle. The Bulls will get Noah back in the lineup to give their loyal, delusional fans one more win at home before being shown some brotherly love on their way out the playoffs.

NBA Mistress: Poor little Bulls. But what we should discuss is Thibs' chronic case of raspiness. I believe The Penguin is performing fellatio on one of the Bulls. Isn't there something in the CBA to protect these boys from this?


7. Orlando Magic (1-3, Last week #8)
MHI: The Magic are competing. The fact they had a chance to win 2 games in this series running an offense through Big Baby Glen Davis is incredible. The only adjustment they can make is to get a miracle chiropractor to fix Dwight Howard back.

NBA Mistress: What happened to "NO LOVE FROM THE OTHER SIDE"... MHI IS GETTING CHARMIN SOFT!!!!


8. New York Knicks (0-3, Last week #7)
From last week’s rankings: “The Knicks will only go as far as J.R. Smith and Steve Novak’s three-point shooting can take them.” Smith is shooting 4-16 from three and Novak has only attempted 6 three-pointers in 3 games. It’s been 4,025 days and counting since the Knicks won a playoff game.

NBA Mistress: Well, they could totally win Sunday's game. It's possible. OKAY!! OKAY!!! THEY'RE GETTING SWEPT FASTER THAN MARV'S COMBOVER.

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