Monday, May 14, 2012

Week 3 NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings: First Blood & Four Factors

With the first round and second week of the playoffs in the books, the third week of the NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings analyze how teams will use the Four Factors of Basketball Success to draw first blood in the Eastern Conference Semifinals.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI plays the fanalyst for the Eastern Conference Playoffs for games played through Saturday, May 12th. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress plays the fan and provides the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Playoffs.

1. Miami HEAT (4-1, Last week #1)
MHI: The HEAT have been the best at shooting efficiency, getting to the free throw line and forcing turnovers in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. MVP LeBron James plays a huge role in all three areas and will lead the HEAT to a 3-0 lead over the Pacers this week.

NBA Mistress: What about the Ostrich being out 2 weeks though, bro?? While it won't matter against the Piss -n- Moaners, otherwise known as the Pacers, it will matter with the Boston Celtics. Think 3-time winning, but ringless, LeBron James can save the Heat? Will Wade get injured again? Will Mario Chalmers get any hotter? Never mind that last part.

2. Boston Celtics (5-2, Last week #2)
MHI: The Celtics are below average in every offensive category but rank 1st or 2nd in every defensive category among the teams in the Eastern Conference Semis, according to They needed 29 and 11 from Kevin Garnett and a triple-double from Rajon Rondo to beat the 76ers by 1 point in Game 1 at home. That series will be 2-2 by the end of the week.

NBA Mistress: Two words: Rajon Rondo!! He will straight come over into your huddle and steal your plays. Also, Rondo has 8 triple-doubles in the playoffs. I'm just saying the Ben-gay Celtics may just douse the Heat with their geriatric urine.

3. Philadelphia 76ers (4-3, Last week #4)
MHI: The 76ers are the worst-shooting team in the Eastern Conference playoffs and the second-worst team at rebounding their own misses (only Celtics were worse). They make up for those weaknesses by taking care of the ball, getting to the free throw line and forcing opponents to miss shots without fouling. They’re destined to be 2-2 by the end of the week unless Evan Turner or Andre Iguodala can dominate their matchups on the perimeter with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen.

NBA Mistress: Who cares?? Really?? They lucked up by Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose falling to injury. The Sixers are more pathetic than the Nuggets, Magic and Jazz combined. That's saying something. Wake me up when it's the ECF.

4. Indiana Pacers (4-1, Last week #5)
MHI: The Pacers can talk all the trash they want, it doesn’t change the fact they‘re still the worst team to advance to the Eastern Conference Semifinals. Their hopes for making the series competitive rests on the narrow shoulders of Roy Hibbert. Pacers don’t win a game this week unless he dominates his matchup with Chris Bosh.

NBA Mistress: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Frank Vogel and company should have worried less about the Heat being floppers and more about winning a game.

5. Atlanta Hawks (2-4, Last week #3)
MHI: Pretty sure Al Horford wishes the refs called a free throw violation so he could get another crack at forcing Game 6 vs. Boston into overtime.

NBA Mistress: They should just throw in the towel every year at the playoffs. It would be more entertaining that way.

6. Chicago Bulls (2-4, Last week #6)
MHI: The Bulls bench fought hard to get the series back to Chicago for a Game 7, but in the end... Children of a Lesser God will be Children of a Lesser God. Omer Asik and C.J. Watson were not enough.

NBA Mistress: And y'all wanted Thibs as Coach of the Year again. Sorry. NO AWARD FOR YOU, PENGUIN!!

7. New York Knicks (1-4, Last week #8)
MHI: Thanks to Dwyane Wade’s poor judgment and ballhandling, the Knicks finally broke their record-setting streak of playoff losses. Knick fans better hope the team hires better medical staff this offseason to give this team a chance of staying healthy and getting home-court advantage in the first round of the playoffs.

NBA Mistress: I know it's KILLING Melo that the Denver Nuggets seen a Game 7 while his fat ass was gobbling up some cheesesteak. Did he even get a MVP vote?? Well, Joe Johnson did...

8. Orlando Magic (1-4, Last week #7)
MHI: Remember when the Magic and Dwight Howard thought it was a good idea to keep the team and coaching staff together for a playoff run? Yeah, that didn’t work out so well...

NBA Mistress: The only thing interesting about the Magic is reading the cry baby Magic fans tweets, I told 'em they should have just forfeited that series.

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