Sunday, May 27, 2012

Week 5 NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings: Generation Gap

The Conference Finals are no place for Children of a Lesser God, so the NBA Playoffs Fanalyst Rankings for the fifth week of the NBA Playoffs kicks off with four teams and three generations of superstars: the declining, the established and the up and coming.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI plays the fanalyst for the Eastern Conference Playoffs. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, the NBA Mistress plays the fan and provides the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference Playoffs where the Spurs declining superstars face-off against the up & coming superstars in OKC.

1. Miami HEAT (8-3, Last week #1)
MHI: NBA superstars are formed from a combination of production+popularity. Dwyane Wade was the most productive SG in the NBA 3 of the last 4 seasons (he finished 2nd this season) and voted as a starter in the All-Star game for 7 straight seasons. LeBron James has been the most productive SF for the last 6 seasons and voted as a starter in the All-Star game 8 straight seasons. No other team in the NBA has two established superstars and that’s why they’ll beat the Celtics in 5 games or less with a 3-0 series lead by the end of the week.

NBA Mistress: Oh, I am so fucking SHOCKED the Heat made the NBA Eastern Conference Finals. Give them a freaking cookie and call it good because it's something THEY WERE SUPPOSE TO DO!! Let's be honest, it should have went 5 games, T-O-P-S. The bigger question is will D-Wade were his hot pink pants when they topple the Celtics? Will he wear a blouse? Will he don purple pants? Gold chains? Laced gloves?

2. Boston Celtics (8-5, Last week #2)
MHI: Kevin Garnett was the most productive PF in the NBA from 2003 to 2006, according to He slipped in 2007 but was #1 in 2008 when the Celtics won the title. In the last 4 years his production ranked 9th (2012), 5th (2011), 10th (2010) and 7th (2009) and he hasn’t been voted as a starter in the All-Star game the last two seasons. He’s a declining superstar that won’t be able to carry Paul Pierce’s sprained MCL and Ray Allen’s crippled ankles to the NBA Finals.

NBA Mistress: Blah Blah Blah. Who cares where Garnett is ranked, because they aren't seeing that NBA Finals anytime soon. Larry Bird or Bill Russell ain't walking through that door. Give 'em some Ben-gay, prunes and some tennis balls and call it a day.

3. Indiana Pacers (6-5, Last week #3)
MHI: The Pacers couldn’t overcome their inferiority complex once LeBron James and Dwyane Wade reminded them they were Children of a Lesser God.

NBA Mistress: FINALLY!! I don't have to hear Granger piss and moan endlessly about shit.  

4. Philadelphia 76ers (7-6, Last week #4)
MHI: If the 76ers could shoot, they’d be playing the HEAT in the Eastern Conference Finals. Instead, they watched Rajon Rondo’s non-shooting ass end their season with a pair of 24-foot jumpers.

NBA Mistress: How in the fuck did that go to a Game 7? Celtics really are pathetic and the "69-ers" can't buy a shot.

5. Atlanta Hawks (2-4, Last week #3)

6. Chicago Bulls (2-4, Last week #6)

7. New York Knicks (1-4, Last week #8)

8. Orlando Magic (1-4, Last week #8)

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