Monday, December 3, 2012

Week 6 NBA Fanalyst Rankings: Grind Edition (No Bitchassness Allowed)



The NBA stands for No Bitchassness Allowed. While Gregg Popobitch and the Spurs chose to play against lottery teams and quit against elite ones on their east coast road trip, this week’s Fanalyst Rankings analyzes the best teams in the East and how they’ve performed on the road this season.

There are two sides to every NBA Power Ranking: the Fanalytical and the Fanatical. As a Miami HEAT blogger living on the east coast, MHI plays the fanalyst for the Eastern Conference. As a Denver Nuggets fan living west of the Mississippi River, Mrs. NBA plays the fan and provides the slander. The roles are reversed for the Western Conference.

1. Miami HEAT (12-3, prev. rank: 1)

MHI: The HEAT have the best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games but 4 of those games were at home where they’re undefeated. The HEAT have played the toughest road schedule in the East Fanalyst Rankings and posted a 4-3 record away from home. They only play 1 road game this week against the Wizards. That’s an easy win to improve the road record to 5-3.

Mrs. NBA: The Heat BARELY beat San Antonio's second unit. LULZ LULZ LULZ

2. New York Knicks (12-4, prev. rank: 2)

MHI: The Knicks have the third-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games and the second-best rating on the road with a 5-4 record. They play 3 games on the road this week at the Bobcats, HEAT (2nd night of a back-to-back) and Bulls before ending the week with Carmelo Anthony’s first game against the Nuggets since he was traded (it’s the 2nd night of a back-to-back). It’s a tough week for the Knicks, but don’t expect them to bitch up like the Spurs. Woodson will play all of his starters available to make sure the Knicks go at least 2-2 this week.

Mrs. NBA: Wake me up when J.R. Smith starts jacking shots again and Melo decides to punch someone and do the 50-meter dash in the opposing direction.

3. Brooklyn Nets (11-5, prev. rank: 3)

MHI: The Nets have the second-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games thanks to a win over the Knicks without Jason Kidd, but they have the best rating on the road so far (thanks to a 39-point blowout of the Magic). After going 2-1 on the road last week, the Nets are home all week against the Thunder, Warriors and Bucks. They should bounce back from their 12th straight loss in Miami to go 2-1 this week.

Mrs. NBA: Remember when I said the Nets could possibly be a top-4 team this season and you called me stupid? Who's drinking that supid kool-aid now?

MHI: Hmmm... I don't know. Maybe the person that misspelled stupid?

4. Chicago Bulls (8-7, prev. rank: 5)

MHI: The Bulls have the fourth-best schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games despite blowing a 27-point lead and losing to the Bucks at home. On the road, they rank 6th and travel to play the Cavs (2nd night of a back-to-back) and Pistons this week. They should at least split those games and go 2-2 this week.

Mrs. NBA: No one cares about the Chicago Bulls right now with Derrick Rose out except for Joakim Noah's future tranny of the night.

5. Milwaukee Bucks (8-7, prev. rank: 6)

MHI: The Bucks only rank 12th in schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games, but were 2-2 against a tough schedule last week, including a 27-point comeback win over the Bulls in Chicago. They’re going to need that kind of effort this week with 3 road games against the Hornets, Spurs and Nets. They should go 2-2, but if they upset the bitchass Spurs - #FearTheDeer.

Mrs. NBA: BLAH BLAH BLAH FEAR THE DEER BLAH BLAH BLAH

6. Atlanta Hawks (9-5, prev. rank: 4)

MHI: The Hawks only rank 8th in schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games after struggling to beat the Bobcats and a terrible loss to the Cavs at home, but they’ve got the best road record in the East at 4-2 thanks to the easiest schedule of opponents away from home. The Hawks only play 1 game on the road this week, but it’s the 2nd night of a back-to-back in Memphis. That should be their only loss this week.

Mrs. NBA: Hawks bore me to death. Like I'm dying thinking about them. Call 9-1-1. They're that boring. I'm. Dying. HELLLPPPP.

7. Philadelphia 76ers (10-7, prev. rank: 8)

MHI: The Sixers only rank 9th in schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games thanks to too-close-for-comfort wins over the Suns, Mavs and Bobcats at home. They rank 4th on the road, though, and they’ll need that experience to beat the Celtics in Boston on 2nd night of a back-to-back in their home-and-home series this week. If Jrue Holiday murders Minnesota’s backcourt, then the 76ers should go 2-1 this week.

Mrs. NBA: How in the hell are the Sixers still in your rankings? GTFOHWTBS

8. Boston Celtics (9-8, prev. rank: 7)

MHI: The Celtics rank 6th in schedule-adjusted efficiency differential over the last 5 games, but only went 1-2 last week thanks to Rajon Rondo’s ejection and suspension for fighting Kris Humphries. They only rank 11th on the road, but only play 1 road game against the 76ers this week in a home-and-home. They also get the Timberwolves on the 2nd night of a back-to-back. Rondo + that schedule should = 2-1 this week.s

Mrs. NBA: RONDO. LOL. HE SCRATCHED A FULL GROWN MAN AND HIS LOVERS ARE SAYING HE BODIED HUMP? HE COULDNT BODY A NAKED FEMALE!! HE'D BE SO AFRAID OF ACTUAL PUSSY IN FRONT OF HIM SINCE HE'S SO USED TO KEVIN GARNETT PUSSY!

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